7. TOXIC RELIGION

Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS)… it’s a thing!

I’m no fan of diagnoses (their potential to make me a victim and seduce me into their mold makes me wary) but these symptoms help spell out my hangover that I got from drinking too much fundamentalism:

Symptoms of Religious Trauma Syndrome:

COGNITIVE
– Severe confusion
– Identity issues
– Strong black & white thinking
– Poor critical thinking ability
– Crippled self-worth, self trust & self belief
– Difficulty with decision-making
– Feeling powerless to run own life
– Feelings of not fully existing without God

EMOTIONAL
– Self-anger
– Self loathing
– Difficulty embracing emotions
– Feeling undeserving
– Damage to normal thinking and feeling abilities
– Fear of self-pride (humility complex)
– Anxious of eternal consequences from inability to believe theology
– Grief for ‘believed-world’ and missed ‘real-world’ years
– Shame and guilt

SOCIAL/CULTURAL
– Fear in ability to connect with non-believers
– “Fish out of water” feelings to real world
– Difficulty belonging
– Information/educational gaps (e.g. science, wider issues)
– Tendency to submit to authoritarian figures without thought

(More RTS info and help here)

Some hangover, right! Makes you see how much religious indoctrination can potentially take from a person. But don’t paint all Christians with my brush because anything taken without balance is damaging, and I drank the hard stuff from birth with no other ‘self’ to refer to and back me up.

‘So why the frig didn’t you get back on your religious potion then, girl!?’

Because I tasted truth potion and realised I wasn’t actually sober before, which is the problem with fundamentalists: they don’t know they’re fundamentalists. What they believe is nothing short of spot-on. It’s everyone else who’s wrong.

It’s hard to see your own house when you’re stood in it.

So I’ve stepped out of the church doors and trying to make sense of the ocean. I’ve had help from great educators, like: Lawrence Krauss, Neil deGrasse Tyson, Sam Harris, Brian Cox, Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, Mark Twain, James Randi, The Atheist Experience show, a bunch of neuroscientists, cosmologists and psychologists, even Louis Theroux and Tim Minchin — all offering solid, non-god explanations to my primal wonders, like:

How can such fine-tuning behind our existence not suggest a great designer?

How can you explain the amazing design and beauty in nature and biology outside of an ultimate designer?

How can the universe begin from nothing rather than something?

Why are we not still evolving or seeing half monkeys out there?

Where did all the people BC go if they missed out on the Jesus-pass to dodge Hell!?

…etc.

I’ll admit, at the beginning of this I had hoped that God might steal the show along the way somehow or that I might be the sequel to the prodigal son, but the more I read and the more I learned about the world outside my bubble, the more I thought ‘Shit – I’m becoming an atheist!’ Because things were operating just fine without the God assumption.

The air pocket for belief was shrinking in the rising waters of science and reason. God was on the endangered species list.

But in finding new explanations that didn’t exhaust my belief tank, I stumbled upon a wealth of personal-development that I never knew was there waiting to grow.

Here’s what…

THE GREAT “I AM”

I AM COMPLETE

Since serving my brain more than my creed, I feel at one with myself, kinder to myself, licensed to learn wider, fervid to see me in full-colour (no dulling required to meet tall belief orders), and the big one…I feel valid. Like I’m actually worthy, likeable and good without God, without grace, and without the sanction of Jesus. Just me alone. (Still working on this one!)

Those feelings of wholeness can be felt inside Christianity, but for me, in letting God complete my undeveloped areas I was only ever really half a person.

That killer line ‘He must increase and I must decrease’ literally killed me. It’s why this photo really upsets me: 

‘Less of Me, More of You’ [John 3:30]

I AM MY OWN

There’s this kind of circular logic in Christian thinking: God is the answer to the question but to question the answer is the Devil. The same old arguments will just keep spinning if you claim the blank space with a God flag and the opposing space with a Devil flag. With that rationale, any wacky ideology can pass as reasonable to the believer…although it takes some amount of wilful amnesia to keep the cycle going. And you do it because it’s strangely satisfying. It’s also a defence though too because our beliefs carry our identity. So get your pitch forks out on those little (Brian Cox) foxes!

Decades of reinforcing external beliefs to quieten my inner doubts has carved an unhelpful pattern in my brain. It’s meant that finding my own voice and trusting in my own powers of reasoning has often felt as impossible as a T-Rex trying to take a selfie. I’ve felt too far behind, too un-rescuable, too damaged to ever develop things like well-formed critical thinking.

But with time, new friends, a lot of self-love, a pinch of rebellion and a respect for my black-sheep mind, I began to grow a little taller. Goodbye, Proverbs 3:5: ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own intelligence.’ Hello, wonder of owning your own head!

I AM YOURS

Since de-programming, I’ve felt more connected to humanity, in a way I never realised I wasn’t. Religion can implant the belief that you’re set apart, special, correct and (if taken too literally) above anyone who’s not in the cult…I mean…religion. We’re tribal beings so it’s almost natural to fall into that.

My beliefs prohibited me from really feeling a shared destiny of death and shared need of life with humanity. We were divorced. My life on earth was a stepping stone on the way to Heaven and people had a ‘soul for sale’ sign on their forehead. I was even once taught to ‘Go to the throne instead of the phone’ and other self-isolating advice.

It stopped me from seeing that I belong to you, and you to me.

I AM THE SAVIOUR OF THE WORLD!

Without dependency on a cosmic saviour to safety-net a global crisis (like world hunger, environmental damage, and other things humans cause in ignorance, greed and laziness), you’re left touching a nerve that it’s actually all down to us.

We can only save ourselves!!

It’s a healthy panic. One that brings meaning and purpose: in that my life matters because of how my choices affect others and this planet.

That co-dependent line, ‘Do your best and God will do the rest’, was actually removing my full commitment to a whole host of things. Funny how you tend to find more environmentally conscious people outside of the church. Maybe because God is expected to rapture us up before we suffer the consequences of our own mess. Oh save us now!

I AM MY OWN LUCK

‘Waiting on God’ sounds noble, but for me it was damaging. I’m not a pawn, I’m a person! ‘You’re an active agent in the universe’ – my token atheist friend Red would often remind me. Whilst die-hard Christians are praying on their knees, the others are on their feet making their own luck. The Christian bird catches the rotting worm (?)

Now in needing no peace, purpose, prayer or confirmation to purchase a ticket for an idea, dream or desire, I feel opportunity buzzing in my hands like never before. I’ll admit, feeling 100% responsible for a potential bad move is frightening, but I’m more fearful of my own flat-line!

So with death as my motivator, I’ve wiped my dusty prayer knee and got running to grab life by the cojones before I black out. There’s so much I want to experience!

I AM IN AWE

Scientists are continually unraveling the backstage mysteries of this universe and our existence. Sure, you can claim each breakthrough as a missing page from God’s design manual if you want to, but isn’t that getting a bit exhausting with having to re-fit it into his other book? The Bible?

Christian apologists appear to be constantly upgrading Christianity in order to rationalise their claims. But to me, that kinda feels like we’re giving the Christian God a slow death.

What can be more awe-inspiring than the idea of the Universe forming by natural, impersonal forces and evolving into this magnificent, unfathomable place, and that the chances were so slim that we would get to experience it all so richly through our senses and whatever else our wondrous brains bestow – but we did. You can say that’s proof of Gods grace (because we all like to think we’re special and chosen), but if we’d never made it here we’d not be claiming that. The Universe is full of happy accidents and coincidences that mean nothing, but as pattern-seeking creatures we like to add our own reason and meaning to it. Sure that makes for a nicer view, doesn’t mean it’s true though.

So there’s at least two ways of seeing this thing and I can see both. I just never thought I’d find the same measure of awe outside of God-belief…but I did.

I AM DAMN LUCKY

Believing I’m here by chance and not because I was pre-planned has made me deeply grateful for owning a life: because one tiny tweak to the conditions and my opportunity to exist would have been overthrown. Frightening! But that’s what makes me feel I better do something good on this planet for making it here! We should be shaking hands in the street, saying: ‘Well done!! Yeah you made it too!’

One downside is that this reality suggests that I am actually completely pointless. Uh! But how cool is it that I can make a point of me by giving my life away.

*maintains heroic pose whilst slowly sliding Xbox under sofa*

————-

In accepting this detox into my life I now have a personal relationship with reality.

I’ve lost a lot, but I’d pay those RTS symptoms twice-over to have gained this elevated appreciation for my current life and feeling in full attendance of it. Sure, having God in my vision made for a really beautiful view, but for me, right now, this one life is best drunk neat. No bubbly mixers to sweeten my senses to reality. I’m finding that sweetness in raw human and earthly connection.

So, what now?

Well, having had my personal philosophies disrupted daily for this long, I think I might be addicted! But what a great habit to keep. I’ve cashed in enough reality-cheques to know I can only be certain of uncertainty.

If I keep the cameras rolling, who knows what I’ll find. Exploring is an endless pursuit.

Till next time, adventurers!